Rachel Sings at Fangtasia
by psejhan
Summary: Now multi-chaptered! Rachel Berry and Eric Northman do not get along and thus tryst between two unrelenting egos begins for our entertainment.
1. Prologue

An*

My fics are getting shorter and shorter because they're so random and I wish I can just stop, but I can't!!! I love Rachel and especially love Eric, but I don't think they'll go well together.

"Bitch! Can you please, shut the hell up?!" Eric Northman just realized that yielding to Sookie Stackhouse in the way of hiring her niece was a bad decision because she was so… so… perky. She was cute, in a "duct tape her mouth, lock her in the torture cell and eat her slowly" kind of cute.

"Sexist! Do you want the full force of the American Civil Liberties Union coming down on you, I'd work something out." Rachel Berry was damned hell determined.

"Why are you here, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be in Broadway or that musical show where they sing pop songs and you pop your eyes out like a fish?"

"I am appalled Mr Northman! I am simply here to widen my range of expertise and experience—to broaden my horizon!" She said this with that distant look toward nowhere as if her dreams were just waiting in the next room. "Also, another line in my 6-page resume is always a positive because it is very competitive in the real world. You might not know this, but I was born to be a star! I need every edge I can get to win against those…"

"Edge? Do you want the edge of my teeth plunged into your throat?"

Rachel Berry was speechless.

For a second.

*AN Comments please! ^_^


	2. Chapter 1

1. I Wanna Hold Your Hand and Shove It Violently Down Your Throat

I can't believe Aunt Sookie made me sing in this seedy bar. She said it was just for one night and that it'd be great. She also said it was a great place to get over Finn because there was this really sexy thousand year old vampire but this place is just giving me brand new problems to get over about! I've never taken Aunt Sookie for a liar. This Eric Northman dude may look like a Viking wet dream with sparkling blue eyes and a badass husky voice and all that, but it doesn't make him the complete package because he is pure evil! Plus, he's probably murdered millions. What do you expect from a vampire, right?

Plus, Eric Northman is fuck as hell creepy. He once stared at me for like 30 seconds without moving then suddenly he exploded in a cursing tirade. His minion, Pam, followed suit and exploded into a cursing tirade in 15. And it wasn't like I was playing a staring contest during their stare fest , because I was talking when they were doing that whole saucer-eyes thingy.

So, I gathered my perplexed self and began to sing for the audience. I mean, surely, good talent has a place for anywhere. I thought of a cabaret song… If only I were wearing dark red lipstick and a polka dot dress with a daring neckline—classic! I wasn't though, so I settled for a song that fitted what I wore. I went with Don't Stop Believing by Journey because everyone loves that song, right? I do it on the mic, then suddenly, the Viking gets really mad at me. He tells me with this death glare. I feel the shudder down my spine, but talent knows no boundaries.

I sing a different song. Maybe he's not into Journey. I sing Eye of the Tiger—that's a pretty old song, right?

He makes a zipping motion with his mouth toward me. He seems to be busy at his office.

I try to sing Beatles. I mean, everyone loves the Beatles and they're like classic—and old. "I wanna hold your…"

Suddenly, a Viking was holding my hand.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP."

"I just—"

"Or I will shove your hand down your throat, got it?"

More where that came from. I'll update in more or less 30 hours. I'm keeping all my chapters short because these are really just jokes, right? And you know how jokes get sappy when they're too long?

Please REVIEW.

I'll update quicker …


	3. Chapter 2

2. Babysitting is Between a Noisy Rock and a Penniless Hard Place

This could be Valhalla right here. Maybe Eric Northman didn't exactly have the power over the whole of Louisiana as King, or Sookie Stackhouse naked beside him, but this was enough—silence. The every mighty Thor has finally found a tinge of mercy in his cold, desolate heart and struck that loud little imp with several hundred million volts of lightning for his sanity's sake. Ok, he might not have, but surely something disastrous had befallen in exchange for the sacredness of the absence of octave raised show tunes screeching in Fangtasia.

"We are losing business." Pam strode into his office without even knocking.

"What?"Can't there be one moment of utter peace and joy in his life?

"She's handing out tickets for her show choir's next show and it's pissing everyone off. I mean, first, a vampire bar where no one's sucking blood from anyone, and now we have a fuckin' fairy givin' out concert tickets for the benefit of WWF—and not the wrestling federation." If Pam had blood, the vain on her forehead would have popped out and made a fountain of blood.

"Just fuckin' let her be as long as she doesn't sing." It was between a noisy rock and a penniless hard place.

"I cannot believe the Sheriff of Area 5's nutsack is smaller than that midget's!" Pam shut the door so hard the door very audibly unhinged and died.

Eric rubbed his forehead and prayed to Thor, Odin and Buddha that for some miraculous reason they'd join forces to fight the forces of evil that was currently in the form of Rachel Berry.

"Rachel, I ask this with all the sincerity that I may muster. Please stop pulling hippie publicity stunts or singing like a banshee or I will put you in the isolation corner."

"I didn't know this was daycare."

"Compared to my age, kid, you're not even a FUCKING EMBRYO."

"I'll have you know, I may be young but I have the wisdom of… a really old person such as my grandmother. I started off young in my life, winning my first dance competition at three months old!"

Eric was doing breathing exercises—though he was pretty sure that vampires didn't need to breathe—because it was taking every fiber in him to stop himself from just ripping apart the source of his demise. "You know what? I think I know what to do with you."

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	4. Chapter 3

3. The Rationale of Makeshift Dungeons

He could hear her fear. He could hear it in her heartbeat racing like mad. He was just a split second away from kicking her down the stairs and into the bloody floors of the dungeon. Fucking rationale though kicks in before his animalistic instincts would deal the final blow. He didn't survive 1100 years without rationale.

What was the rationale? Keeping this woman alive was practically like dancing around death—or more adequately—listening to death. It was more or less a life or death decision, this not killing her. It was like "It's either you or me." But that was just his bleeding ears talking. The rationale was that this girl, if he so much traumatized her, he would lose all brownie points he ever garnered from Sookie. That blood bond they have? Sookie would probably submit herself for a regular dialysis treatment. The rationale was that he was putty in her little hands and this malfunctioning music box was in the way. Though in the way, killing her, torturing her, keeping her in the dungeon, is not exactly the right thing to do to get to the finish line.

Another rationale is that he is not actually going to die because of her singing because he is already dead; he is rather, worried about his patrons. Also, even if she can't technically kill him, she still does make him want to scratch of the negative affix of Undead. Then again, the truth of the matter is, the summary of all summaries is: if you kill her or traumatize her, all chances with Sookie is kaput.

"Wrong room." He closed the door and lead her to a different room, perhaps a notch less worse than the dungeon; the men's room.

"I don't need to urinate. Why are you taking me to the men's comfort room? "

Before the little girl could fight back or run away, which wouldn't have helped anyway, Eric had locked her in a stinky public urinal.

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